Dating apps are tough. Is there a better way to find a match today? | The Excerpt

On a special episode (first released on September 5, 2024) of The Excerpt podcast: If you’ve been on a date in the past year, chances are pretty good that you met that person on a dating app. In fact, three in ten adults have used dating apps to meet someone. If you’re under 30 that goes up to half. Whether you use Tinder, Bumble or Hinge, using dating apps can be a frustrating process. Photographs are easily doctored to hide flaws. DM’ing can feel endless. Plus, why invest all that time and energy only to find out later that the vibe in real life is missing. But what if there was a better way to find a good match? USA TODAY Wellness, Lifestyle and Entertainment Reporter Charles Trepany has bravely undertaken an experiment to test the waters for our audience and joins us on The Excerpt to share what he’s learned.

Hit play on the player below to hear the podcast and follow along with the transcript beneath it. This transcript was automatically generated, and then edited for clarity in its current form. There may be some differences between the audio and the text.

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Dana Taylor:

Hello and welcome to The Excerpt. I'm Dana Taylor. Today is Thursday, September 5th, 2024, and this is a special episode of The Excerpt. If you've been on a date in the past year, chances are pretty good that you met that person on a dating app. In fact, three in 10 adults have used dating apps to meet someone. If you're under 30, that goes up to half. Whether you use Tinder, Bumble, or Hinge, using dating apps can be a frustrating process. Photographs are easily doctored to hide flaws, DMing can feel endless. Plus why invest all that time and energy only to find out later that the vibe in real life is missing? But what if there was a better way to find a good match? Our guest, USA TODAY, wellness, lifestyle and entertainment reporter, Charles Trepany, has bravely undertaken an experiment to test the waters for our audience, and is here to share what he's learned. Thanks for joining us, Charles.

Charles Trepany:

Hi. Thanks for having me.

Dana Taylor:

Let's start with the dating boot camp you attended. First, what is it, and what was your experience like?

Charles Trepany:

So the dating boot camp was held by a dating coach named Amy Chan. She's also an author. It was here in LA, in Topanga, right outside the city. It was definitely an experience. It was about 13 people at this gorgeous, gorgeous villa. It's a weekend long, a single room cost, $4,000, a double room cost 2,500. So it wasn't cheap at all. And it was definitely very luxurious experience. And this boot camp really was a boot camp. It was nonstop classes, various teachers, various experts coming in. They covered everything from how to have the most attractive dating app profile, to how to create chemistry on a first date, how to hit on somebody in person. It was truly a whirlwind. And I think I learned a lot.

Dana Taylor:

What were the promises that the dating boot camp offered, and did people you spoke with there feel like it was worth the expensive ticket price?

Charles Trepany:

The dating boot camp covered a lot of different facets of dating, but the main sort of core of it was that you are the common denominator on all of your dates. You are the common denominator in all of your relationships. So if a pattern is repeating, you may be the cause of it, or you may be unknowingly following it or facilitating it in some way. So a lot of the dating boot camp was like looking at your patterns, looking at your quote unquote type. You may not think you have the type, but you might have an emotional type that you go for that isn't working out for you, and to see is that serving you, is it not, and how you can change. And I think the people who went, really did enjoy it and get a lot out of it, at least the ones that I talked to.

Dana Taylor:

Well, the dating boot camp you went to included a lot of different kinds of coaching, including one that was quite unusual. Tell me about that.

Charles Trepany:

Yes, so there was a three hour lesson from a professional dominatrix. And when I found that out, I was definitely skeptical and a little curious as to what this has to do with first dates, early dating, getting to know somebody. But the whole lesson was about toxic power dynamics. She brought up people for audience participation and used different props to illustrate her points. But basically she was saying that, in dating it's easy to fall into these power struggles you don't even really know are power struggles, like waiting to get a text back or waiting for someone to approach you, or trying to seem like you're busy or interesting, or putting on a front. And she was saying that in her line of work, it's all about authenticity. So her lesson was about kind of embracing who you are and not being ashamed of that or trying to hide it.

Dana Taylor:

And Charles, does your dating app profile now attract people who more closely match what you're looking for? In other words, did it work?

Charles Trepany:

I think it has. I think I am getting more matches. And what's interesting is that the dating app that I use, Hinge, which is more of a relationship oriented app, it's not just like you say, yes or no, you have to pick something on the profile to like about it. And what I've noticed is I'm getting a lot more likes specifically on the pictures that I got at the Dating bootcamp. During one of the breaks of the classes, I could not resist, I had to go up to Amy and show her my Hinge profile and get her honest feedback, because she did that with some of the attendees and she was brutal, but I was sitting there, "You know what? She's completely correct." So I was like, "I got to get objective, honest, expert feedback." And she immediately said, "Okay, it's close, but it could be better."

And she told me to get rid of photos of me in sunglasses, because they don't tell you anything, and the eyes are the window to the soul. Especially on a dating app, apparently. She also told me that some of my photos were a little blurry, and one I was kind of hunched over and it made me look less confident. She thought my written prompts were good, but she was like, you need to lead with a funny one and put the more serious one further down. So I did all of that. And what's interesting is on Hinge, I'm seeing a lot more likes, specifically on the photos that I took there with the professional photographer. Which is very, very interesting to me. So I am still single, I am still looking, I am still dating. But who knows? Maybe thanks to the Dating bootcamp, that's going to change soon.

Dana Taylor:

Or this podcast.

Charles Trepany:

Yeah. Yeah, seriously, DMs are open.

Dana Taylor:

Let's talk now about another dating experiment you undertook. Chaotic singles parties. First, what are they and what was your experience like at them?

Charles Trepany:

The chaotic singles party, I would say is exactly what it sounds like. It's a really chaotic party of people who are entirely single. It started in LA from this woman named Cassidy Davis. The story of how she started it is so unbelievably chaotic and unhinged, and I think it's absolutely deserving of the title of a chaotic singles party. It was around Valentine's Day, she was single. She was like, "You know what's going to be a fun, totally not at terrifying idea? Let me go on Tinder and invite 65 men to my house for a party." Basically, the point of the party was her and her friends each had to find somebody on a dating app to bring, and they'd all be single and it'd just be a big Valentine's Day party. But she got nervous nobody would show up and ended up giving out her a to tons of strangers on the internet.

But nobody stole anything, nobody got kidnapped, so she said it was a success. But that sparked this idea, because she documented that party on TikTok, got tons of views, tons of attention, and people wanted to do it themselves. And so now she has this whole business where she goes around the country throwing these chaotic singles parties. They started off where in order to go to the party, you had to bring somebody you met on a dating app. Now they vary. I mean, there was one party she was saying where guests left with free vibrators. The one I went to was a cocktail making class, and we had these questionnaires, like, "Find someone who looks like your ex."

So it definitely was chaotic, it definitely was fun. I had a great time. I didn't meet anybody romantically there, but I definitely made some friends. And I think what was interesting to me about the chaotic singles party, was it was at a bar in LA and everyone was friendly, which isn't always the case at bars in LA. I feel like people kind of stick with their groups, they're less likely to be social, maybe they want to talk to somebody but they don't know how, and there's a lot of posturing. I think at the chaotic singles party, everyone was just so open to starting conversations with everyone. It was definitely one of the most friendly, open environments.

Dana Taylor:

Are these get togethers for anyone? How do people get invited?

Charles Trepany:

So they do cost money. I believe it's about 20 to $30 a ticket. If you want to do the cocktail making class, it's more. But yeah, they're open to anyone. She actually said that the first chaotic singles party she threw, Cassidy, had a wait list of 400 or 500. The one I went to had about 200 people sign up, and a really long wait list as well. So anybody can go. You just have to follow her on Instagram, follow the chaotic singles party on social media, and they'll post the next city they're going to, and the next event that they're doing.

Dana Taylor:

And are they successful?

Charles Trepany:

Yeah, Cassidy said that she's proof. I mean, she met her current boyfriend at that very first chaotic singles party, way back in the day back in her apartment. And some people I talked to there, have said that they've met people, they've gone on dates with. I didn't personally meet anybody who's currently in a relationship, but they all love to go and they also all love to make friends and be social. And so they say that as long as you go with the expectation that at the very least you'll meet interesting people and have good conversation, it's a success.

Dana Taylor:

You also tried speed dating recently. Charles, you must be tired.

Charles Trepany:

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted.

Dana Taylor:

Speed dating is something that came into popularity in the mid '90s, almost 30 years ago, which is now making a comeback. What is it and how was your experience with that?

Charles Trepany:

Speed dating is making a comeback. What's interesting to me is it's making a comeback specifically among younger people and Gen Z. I interviewed people who are quite young and they're just over the apps. They don't want to meet people through a screen. I also gave it a try after writing that article. And it was cute, it was fun. I also thought it was kind of hilarious that I was like, "Oh, I'm done with dating apps. It's so unnatural and awkward." you know what's not going to be natural and awkward? Sitting at a restaurant in Hollywood with strangers coming in and someone ringing a cowbell every seven minutes to signal the next date.

But it was good. Everyone there again was super, super, super nice. I got a couple matches from there, so I'll follow up with them and we'll see about going on a real date. The thing about speed dating is that it really is speed dating. You have seven minutes, and by the time you get through the how are you, what do you do, where are you from? The date's kind of over. So I would be interested in a speed dating event where there was a prompt that was a little bit deeper, where you can just get into those conversations and all those other kind of biographical details can just come out later.

Dana Taylor:

It sounds awkward. Why do you think people find speed dating so appealing?

Charles Trepany:

I will say there's an efficiency to it that you don't get on the apps. Because like you said earlier, you can match with somebody on an app, text for days, have this idea in your head about who they are and how you get along, and what your chemistry is online. And then you meet in person, and I really do think you know, pretty much in the first five minutes, if there's a vibe. I think speed dating is more efficient, because even if you go on a speed date that ends up being awkward, it's only seven minutes, and that's really all you need to tell if there's a vibe.

Dana Taylor:

The pandemic really had a big impact on meeting people in person, including people you might want to date. Do you think that primal need to be with other people in real life is having a lingering effect?

Charles Trepany:

Oh, 100%. I mean, you think specifically about Gen Z too, who were in college or in school when the pandemic happened, and then they graduate and they enter the dating market, only in a post-COVID world. It coincided right with them starting to date as adults. And there's such a hunger and a longing for actual in-person connection. I would say that is the biggest theme across everything that I did. Everyone I talked to, what brought them there, the chaotic singles party, the speed dating event, the dating boot camp. Everyone is so lonely and everyone just wants to meet people and find connection. And because we live in such a divided time, not just divided culturally, but literally through technology, like remote work, peoples' social lives being entirely through Instagram and TikTok and online. People just are trying to figure it out. And that may lead to trying some awkward things, but I think that any attempt to put yourself out there and actually go for what you want, is worth it.

Dana Taylor:

What stands out most from all of these dating experiences? What do you think it says overall about dating today?

Charles Trepany:

People are nice. I think it's easy to get intimidated when you go to these events, but the truth is every single person is literally in the exact same boat. Everyone who's speed dating is feeling just as awkward as you are. Everyone at the boot camp just wants to learn what you want to learn. Everyone at the chaotic singles party is just there to check it out and have fun and see what happens. So you're not alone, I think. Everyone's in the same boat, everyone's trying to figure it out. And I think that because for the most part, people's intentions with these are good and they're just genuinely trying to meet people, I think it's going to work eventually for everyone and myself, hopefully.

Dana Taylor:

Thanks for sharing your many experiences with us and for being on The Excerpt, Charles.

Charles Trepany:

Thank you for having me.

Dana Taylor:

Thanks to our senior producer Shannon Rae Green for production assistance. Our executive producer is Laura Beatty. Let us know what you think of this episode by sending a note to podcasts@usatoday.com. Thanks for listening, I'm Dana Taylor. Taylor Wilson will be back tomorrow morning with another episode of The Excerpt.